Mistaken Bacon Combinations

Defy the thought of defeat, so my struggles I’m embracing’
And it’s amazing how weak are the bubbles that we’re encased in
Never be afraid of your thoughts and if your trouble is motivation
Remember you're not alone, can I get an 'amen' from the congregation?

When you write a blog titled 'Coffee, Bacon, Beer & Sports, you are guaranteed to receive a barrage of well-intentioned notifications of new, interesting and oftentimes disturbing products that utilize a combination of those four pillars of America. They will vary from intriguingly cute (see the coffee drink below) to the artery-cloggingly bizarre (a lifesize football made entirely out of bacon) and several levels in between. I mean don't misunderstand my intentions here, I have a bottle of doughnout bacon maple ale sitting in eyesight right this very moment...



Editor's Note: Seattle's Best recently held a contest to develop a new coffee beverage and the $10,000 winner was a tantalizing drink that included "Level 5 Seattle's Best Coffee® with the unexpected flavors of caramelized bacon and subtle hints of pumpkin pie spice." This is now planned to be served nationwide. For those of you who haven't heard my whining for the past 15 months, Seattle's Best was served at Border's Bookstores...my former place of zen which closed last year. Furthering my argument that God has a personal beef with me.

 





But let's be honest, just between us: not everything we love is designed to go together. I love sex. And I love Robert DeNiro in many of his acting roles. But one vaguely unsettling dream in college aside, the two have never and will never go together. The same goes with bacon and...well many, many things. Bacon beer does not sound appealing to me in any way, shape or unholy form. It's two great tastes that just don't seem like they'd taste great together. I may be wrong but that bottle of Voodoo Doughnot Bacon Maple Ale I'm currently staring at...it may be delicious. But it's been sitting in my room for a year now, its purpose as a comedic conversation piece rather than a refreshing beverage.

If I ate bacon with the frequency most of you seem to think I do, not only would I be dead long before now but my fingers would be far too fat to type this blog. And I'm not technologically savvy enough to employ voice recognition software for this sort of thing. The only reason I can post a blog at all is because Google decided to make an online blog template that a 96 year old with dementia could use (I was going to use a 6 year old in that reference but nowadays children are far superior with technology than I am). I love bacon but it's not designed to go with cinnamon rolls or fruit juice. It shouldn't be served in any form the size of a football or that requires you to buy it in10lb packages. Even greatness has to have limits.

Does that mean I don't want your posts and pics? Absolutely not. Bring it the fuck on. But if you think I'm actually going to prepare that bacon, cheddar, peach and chocolate cupcake recipe you send me you are going to be disappointed. I'm sorry I can't be the hero you need, the champion of excess that you deserve. I'm not Bacon Batman. My arteries and taste buds have spoken.